It Didn't Have to Be This Way
by majiklmoon
Summary: This is the fourth in my POV series. It focuses on Tess, and the choices she made.


_It Didn't Have to be This Way_

**Rating:** PG13

**Disclaimer:** Roswell belongs to first to Melinda Metz, then to Jason Katims and 20th Century Fox. I'm just borrowing them.

**Author's Note:** This is the fourth in my POV series. It Didn't Have to be This Way focuses on Tess, which in itself is a real stretch for me. I'm really not sure about this one, and it is quite possible it could be revised about a million times. It takes place during the episode 4 Aliens and a Baby.

"Please can I have a hug?" I asked.

"What?" he yelled. "Don't you dare get caught up in all that human foolishness. You are _not_ one of them, and don't you forget it!"

He was right, I wasn't one of them, but I wanted to be. More than anything else, I wanted to be like them. I wanted a mother and a father. I wanted someone to hug me and chase away the bad dreams. But I didn't have any of that; instead I had Nescado. Nescado protected me, he made sure I had food, and clothing, but he never loved me.

* * *

I buried my head in my pillow and sobbed. They all hated me, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Everything that happened, everything that I did was because Nescado made me do it. Maybe I should have made a stand and said no, but Nescado was the only person who had been there for me. He was there when I left my pod, and he took care of me from that time, until the day he died. I never knew any other life, until I met Jim and Kyle Valenti.

Jim took me into his home when I didn't have anybody else. Nescado was dead, and I couldn't stay alone. Max didn't want me in his house with Isabel; that much was obvious. Michael had his own apartment, and he didn't offer me a place to stay. But Jim did. He opened his house to me, gave me a place to stay. He gave me a family. The only real family I had ever had. And how did I repay him, with betrayal. But in the end, when it came right down to it he couldn't betray me. Neither one of them was willing to sacrifice me, to save the others.

I can stand here now and say I didn't mean to, that I didn't know any better, but it would be a lie. I did know better, but I still did what Nescado wanted. I always did what Nescado wanted. We came to Roswell with a plan. I was to befriend them, get them to let me into their lives. Nescado had made a deal with Kivar, bring the three of them back, and I would rule Antar alongside Kivar. There was only one problem, none of them wanted to go back.

On one level, I couldn't blame them; they all had these great lives here on Earth. Well, Michael's wasn't great, but he did have Maria. Isabel had Alex, and Max, well Max had Liz. Nothing I did could drive a wedge between them. But in the end, I didn't have to. Liz did it for me. I never knew why she broke up with Max, but she did, and I used it to my advantage.

I used everything and everyone to my advantage. They were all so innocent and trusting. It's almost comical actually. I almost didn't have to mind warp them to get what I wanted. Isabel was so desperate for a female friend. A female _alien_ friend. She had Maria and Liz, but she worked to not let them get close. I was able to get close to her, and gain her confidence almost right away.

Michael had an incredible desire to master his powers, and I used that to my advantage. I taught him just enough to start to trust me, but I never taught him enough to use against me.

"Always remain one step ahead," Nescado always told me.

And then there was Max. He was nothing but a silly boy, not the man who had been my lover on Antar. He wanted so badly to remember our life on Antar. It was easy. I showed him what he wanted to see, and I pulled him closer to me, bit by bit. The only problem was, I didn't want him.

I wanted Kyle. I wanted him desperately, with every fiber of my being. I wanted to feel his lips against mine, feel his hands on my body, feel him _inside_ of me. God, how I wanted him, but I couldn't have him. I almost succumbed more than once, but always, the mission came first. He wanted me too; I know he did. I can't believe he didn't vote to turn me in after what I made him do to Alex.

Alex. Alex Whitman was the true casualty in my mission. Despite what everyone thinks, I didn't want him to die. I felt bad about it, but it happened, and there wasn't any changing it. If I could go back and change things, would I? Probably not. I'm not that noble. I'm not Liz.

Liz, Liz can help me. I trust her for some strange reason. It doesn't make any sense. Max stayed her for her. He wouldn't leave her, not even for our son. But I still trust her to help me.

* * *

"I love you Zan," I whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his downy forehead.

And love him I did, despite his humanness. I loved my son. I loved him enough to do what I had to do to protect him. I gave one last look at Zan, knowing it would be my last, and I went to wake up Liz.

"Liz wake up," I whispered, hoping not to disturb the others. If this was going to work, nobody else could know.

"Liz, why didn't you vote to turn me in?" I asked.

"Because I'm not like you, Tess," Liz whispered back. "I'm not like you."

The deadness in her voice scared me more than the venom I had expected to hear. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Alex wasn't the only casualty. Maybe Liz was too.

"I need a favor, Liz. I need you to drive me out to the base. I'm going to turn myself it. It's the only way to protect Zan – to protect all of you."

Liz stared at me for a long while, and I was afraid she wasn't going to help, but finally she sat up and slid her feet into her shoes. We crept quietly out of the apartment and to her car. We drove silently through the night, each lost in our own thoughts. All too soon, Liz parked the car on a bluff that overlooked the base.

I put my hand on the door handle and started to open it, but something held me back.

"Liz, every single time Max kissed me, every single time we were together, he was thinking of you, wanting you. Max loves you. He never loved me," I said. "It was always you."

"Why are you telling me this, Tess? Why now?"

"I spent my whole life making choices. The wrong choices," I said. "I did whatever Nescado told me to do. Whatever he wanted, I did it without questioning it. I finally figured it out tonight. It didn't have to be this way. I just thought maybe I could finally do something good with my life."

Liz looked at me, and for the first time, it wasn't with distrust, dislike or hate. She looked at me like a friend. It was good, and it strengthened my resolve for what I knew was coming. I climbed out of the car and looked back at Liz, and in that last minute, the tentative bonds of friendship strengthened.

"Hey Tess, you're not going to let them put you in the white room, are you?" she asked me.

"No, no I'm not," I said. I smiled at her and walked to the fence and used my powers to melt an opening in it. I stepped through the fence and looked back.

The choices I made brought me to where I stood. It didn't have to be this way, but it was. But I had the power to change it, and this time, I _would_ make the right choice.


End file.
